


Heartbeats

by WanderingAlice



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:23:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WanderingAlice/pseuds/WanderingAlice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has a panic attack, Steve calms him down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartbeats

**Author's Note:**

> I had a panic attack today, and wrote this to come down from it. It may or may not become part of chapter 5 of Ten Times, I haven't decided yet, but I wanted to share it because it stands alone really well and I may not use it elsewhere.

He woke up screaming. He’d been back on that train, with Steve’s shield in his hands. But the one who had been blown out the side was Steve. He been standing there, reaching for him, when Steve had slipped from his grasp, falling into the ravine and the waiting arms of the Red Room.

“Bucky. Bucky, look at me.” That was Steve’s voice. But Steve was gone, he fell.

“No, nonononono.” Bucky tried to shove the person off him, but whoever it was held firm. They had his face in both hands, keeping him there. His heart started to race, mind spinning. This wasn’t right. He wasn’t- this place, it wasn’t- no, it didn’t make sense. His breath was coming in choked gasps, tears leaking from his eyes.

“Bucky, Bucky, it’s okay. Just breathe. Okay? It was just a dream. Only a dream, Buck. You’re here. You’re safe. Just breathe with me. In…. And out. In…. And out. Come on, Buck. It’s alright. In…. And out.” The voice was soothing now, less frightened, less urgent. Bucky forced himself to focus. He was safe. It was a dream. Just a dream. That was Steve’s voice calming him, Steve’s hands now wrapped around one of his, pressing it to Steve’s chest. He could feel Steve’s heartbeat under his palm. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. He took a breath, counted four beats, then let it out. Another. Four beats. Let it out. In. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Out. In. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Out. He opened his eyes into Steve’s sky blue gaze. That color. The color of home. Breathe in. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out. Breathe in. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out.

Gradually, he became aware of Steve talking. “It’s okay. You’re okay, Buck. You’re safe. You’re safe, you’re here, you’re safe.”

“You fell,” he said, hating how weak he sounded. “Steve, you fell.”

“Hey, shhh,” Steve took one hand from Bucky’s wrist and gently ran a hand through his hair. “It’s alright. I’m here. I didn’t fall. I won’t leave you, never again.”

“Why not?” Bucky asked, needing to know the answer. “Why stay, when I’m… when I’m like this?” His metal hand fisted in Steve’s shirt, even as the other stayed pressed to Steve’s chest- to his heartbeat. Breathe in. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out.

“Because you’re my best guy, Buck. ‘Till the end of the line, remember? I’m not gonna leave you, not now, not ever.”

“But…” Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out. “I… I tried to kill you.”

Steve shook his head. “No, you didn’t. Hydra did. Pierce did. Never you. Your body was just their tool.”

“But what if… what if I forget again? I could… I could kill you, and not even realize.” Bucky tried to pull away, but Steve held him close.

“I believe in you, Buck. I know you, and I know you won’t let it come to that. You’re strong. Stronger than you know.”

Breathe in. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out. “I… but why? Why stay with me? I’m not… You, you’re amazing. And I’m just… I’m worthless.” Bucky looked away.

Steve grabbed his face with both hands, forcing him to meet his eyes. What he saw there… he couldn’t understand it. “You’re not worthless, Bucky. Never think that. _Never_. You-” Steve broke off with a strangled sort of laugh. “You don’t see yourself the way I see you. To me, you’re… There’s nobody worth more to me than you. _Nobody_ , you hear me?”

“Steve….” Breathe in. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out. Steve meant it. Whatever else he thought, he _meant_ it. He believed in Bucky, even when Bucky couldn’t believe in himself. Breathe in. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out. Steve was there, with him. He slept every night in Steve’s room so Steve could watch over him, just in case something like this happened. Breathe in. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out. He was alright. They were both alive, both safe. Together. Steve was with him. He was with Steve. Breathe in. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Breathe out. Nobody was dying. Nobody was leaving. It was alright. It had just been a dream. With effort, feeling Steve’s heart beating steadily under his hand, Bucky began to calm down.


End file.
